the dreamer,the loner,the lover....

Winter Evenings

2010-01-13T09:36:00.000-08:00

I had thought He would gift me crystal-studded brooches or a bunch of flowers ,of which, one i would preserve in an old book to drain it of its colour and to smell it years after.

He didnt.

But we did sit beneath a tree,reading poetry on chilly evenings,wrapped in old shawls,smoking our cigarettes.
Perhaps years after I would still be able to smell; that evening,those fresh pages and his familiar smell,the one by which i know him to be.

January 13,2010

2010-01-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

I could hum, i could whistle, i could also sigh now. It is a rather strange concotion of feelings.

Its a quiet evening,today; its cold and i'm warm in my brown fuzzy sweater. I actually took an entire afternoon beneath a favourtite blanket with an old book, a movie and two glasses of wine to bring peace to my mind,a sense of satisfaction from nothing at all. Mostly i feel im in control and i like the feeling. Perhaps i'm truly at my best when by myself...otherwise,god im so irritable,demanding and erratic all the time..and i dont even like it.

Did you know?

2008-08-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk today..the plush lawns seemed inviting after a very lazy sunday..i was just catching up with my mom,sitting on a grassy patch when a Man walked in with a Child,perhaps his grandson.I was marvelling at their affection...the young,grinning Child and the older Man watching over him.A crowd of young boys, seemingly exalted at being together appeared then.They were jeering at something,i think in their own parole.Somebody at the back yelled,"E baba e toh singh is king!".The Man and the Child had turbans around their heads.
Man,"Lets get going...its getting late."
Child,"I dont want to..i want to be back here again,sometime."
Man turned away quietly motioning the Child.The Child followed unable to understand the sarcasm hinted,or the sudden hurry.
My mom,"chup kor,barabari korish na kintu."To me.
I did want to do something about that particular moment but i didnt.Not because i'm obedient but i just didnt know.I imagined the aftermath..a dozen women running after my skin for harassing their precious "sonar babons" or whatever.
I am disappointed.But perhaps this isnt really a problem which might have a solution..rather it was a revelation of a whole new breed of young adults with whom i couldnt identify.
Next time i hope i am not venting my rage on my keyboard or on my blog but actually doing something about such situations.Only hoping that there is never a next time.

Doing NOTHING.

2008-08-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

i lean back on that pillar
and stare
at nothing really
a very blank lake and some drooping trees maybe
a random greeting and a sip from the paper cup later too
i just stare
i close my eyes and i see an orange world
naah..its just the darn sunshine
my delicate grey matter has dried up i feel
as everyday the same routine follows
i watch the smoke twirl around my fingers n let the ash fall
and then etch out nothing from the powder
i do nothing.

and i love every bit of it.

When tomorrow comes..

2008-08-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

Its been some two months and i have only been irritated,dissatisfied and reflecting on my decisions..not really knowing what am doing or why..its a constant struggle..the heart against the mind..its cliche now..tears rolling down every now and then..a flurry to hide them...to pretend in an obvious way that things are fine..
But someday things had been fine..when we were perfectly content in silence..guzzling down beer..so close that the rest of the world was a blur...your rather conspicous,slightly broken nose is still the first thing i remember about your face...when i think of you fondly..
I am so scared...of you knowing that you have it in you...to hurt me,to make me compromise with my ownself..we are two very queer beings..similar in a way...but this aint a war..if u believe it to be so then trust me,baby am on your side.today and tomorow.
with love
i wish i had it in me to call you right now and just say the words.but like you, i too am such a coward.

perfect images.

2008-04-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

DUSK. a lone tree..negating the colors flitting back and forth,right behind it across the skies.stands tall.gnarled trunk so very distinct.the skies melt...like ice cream does..streaming down its branches,soaking it.stark and cold on this summer evening.
THE SHACKS.held together by almost nothing.housing some ten odd people.another five just hang around.arranged in black,blue and grey.steaming brown cups of a murky yellow liquid.sip-bite.sip.bite.
BLURRED.three pale yellow blobs..neon lights,perhaps.tall iron bars...a fence perhaps.wilderness in between...green fields,shrubs n plants grow out of tune and order.

looking back..

2008-03-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

today..
i wanted to kick off those shoes and feel the grass beneath my feet
wanted...to miss a test,lose myself in oblivion..ignore the rest of the world...just watch it pass by
Me.
i wanted to forget it all...was hoping that u would let me be.didnt
You?
thanks,anyway.you after all, didnt.
so many times did i want to lean back and end it all.Escapist.maybe.i know.
so many times did i want to lean back on
You.i didnt.Fool.maybe.i know it.
But finally,yea we made it.
US-The children.

The blue beadspread...a novel by raj kamal jha

2008-02-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

The blue bedspread ....
precise and racy,the novel manages to hold the reader's attention to the point that he feels strangled by the suspense at times...at times the reader shudders n wonders at the absurdity of the whole concept...yes we do talk about incestuous realationships but reading the novel is a completely different experience...looking at such liasons from close quarters,the emotional aspect to it...all of it adds up to deliver jha's novel set in calcutta...
though absurd,the whole sequence of events culminates rather predictably.the reader can almost guess what the author is harping at.
but the way jha flits between past and present,recounting events that have almost faded,exctracting them from a murky childhood is truly amazing.
definiltely worth a read.

2007-12-01T05:35:00.000-08:00

am late...been lazy...been scared to put down the swirl of thoughts in mind...now am alone and i cant take it anymore...its been just a few minutes but this house seems to be out to get me..its warm,its my own place...but somehow i would rather be out in the cold where i can at least watch the world pass me by...my hands shake as i try to light my tenth cigarette(or eleventh,is it..i dont know ive,lost count).i try to let go...the smoke and all that turmoil within me right now...doesnt work.
my mind is supposed to be occupied by somethin more important...exams,scores,et all...no luck..i look around theres no one...am scared...this was not to happen...she had to leave..not her fault..but with her she took wat i knew as home...evryday i would brush aside the recurrent feeling that somethings missing...cant do it anymore..i see the walls of comfort breaking down..i see the need of growing up,and fast...theres nobody waiting...she did,though...all my life.
i would want to believe that i can get over this sometime soon.there are two people who believe it as well.and i would want to prove them right.

plastic

2007-09-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

they stare at me....and at you
beaming from up above...billboards and hoardings
they are always smiling....perhaps sneering even
they try so hard....so hard that it shows
beneath the shimmer....across their eyes
theres nothing beyond...
do away with the scales,the tapes and measurements
its only human to be good,bad or ugly
lets do away with plastic.

as i lay awake....

2007-09-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

it felt so strange as i lay awake in my bed last night...i felt cold and unhappy...i wanted to sink into the covers n fall asleep again but i could not...sleep deserted me...disloyal,as always.it wasnt dark outside....the clock struck five...but the morning wasnot warm or welcoming...the curtains shone in a strange sliver light...my body was stark n cold even as i wrapped the rug around me..again and again...yet i was still cold.that was when i thought of you....a thousand dreams i dreamt that very moment...i sank into oblivion once more...when i finally woke up i failed to comprhend,to distinguish between the dreams i dreamt and the moments i lay awake...and that was when i longed to trade reality for my dreams.

people call it college,i call it life

2007-08-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

i am into my fourth week of college...of jadavpur university...and ive loved every moment of it.the past two years have been difficult..i stayed cooped up at home,working very hard ....i hated those days.....and even ended up falling sick at times...a couple of tests,a series of exams n whoooosh i was into college.
life has changed drastically....seems strange at times...i feel so much more independent and at the same time responsible for my ownself.....finally i feel i'm living my own life on my own terms,the way i have always wanted to....
it made me realise that one can be lonely in a crowded class of fifty or can be at home with five or six friends... .....a cup of tea and a burning fag,a heated argument leading to peals of laughter or leaning on somebodys shoulder,exchanging a thousand thoughts without speaking a word...sunny afternoons melt into warm evenings and i never want to leave the campus,the college...
its not just about the fun and the good times but also about the way of life,one which i had never lived before...the liberty to choose,to fall back and finally let go....

what would i do without you...

2007-08-11T05:08:00.000-07:00

i remember....lazy afternoons...misty mornings...you and me sitting by the window...the sinking sun,the torchlit nights when we read our favourite books or sang our favourite songs.....
i return to you everyday...to talk...to learn...to laugh and to cry.....you taught me to live....

2007-08-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

love was passin by me...i tried to hold his hand but he let go
i was across the street,waitin....hope tried to reach me but was crunched by wheels
dont blame me now if i fail...fail to love you or hope for you
i just need you to be there beside me...the way you have been
i want to be..a child,a devil...i want to laugh and cry
the way ive never been able to...
dont want to calm myself anymore....
just need to know that i can go back...to you,to innocence and to life
the one that ive never lived.